Warrior Week + Anxiety
It is Warrior Week, and the battle began on Monday.
Knowing chemo was on Friday, I woke up depressed and sad. There was a lack of motivation to do anything. As I lay in bed thinking about the things I didn’t want to do, I realized that next Monday I will likely be experiencing nausea and fatigue and won't be able to do things. Therefore, it was a good day, unless I chose to make it a bad day.
I heard of a man whose voicemail said, "Have a good day, unless you have other plans." I don't want other plans.
Reminding myself that I had the power to choose what kind of day I would have was a game-changer.
I got up, showered, put on make-up, and did some things to nourish and care for my body + heart; dry brushing before my shower, vitamin E on my scars, essential oils, taking my vitamins + anti-depressants, journaling + reading my devotionals.
Journal from my dear friend, the coffee cup was my beloved Aunt Geri's.
It felt good to win the battle of self-pity. It's a daily challenge.
On Tuesday I homeschooled, answered 1 million questions, was interrupted 743 times, and by 2:00 I needed a nap. So I took a nap. I listened to my body and didn't judge, condemn, or criticize myself for being tired and needing a break. The anxiety about chemo #2 was in the back of my mind as I went about my day, and my body let me know it needed to rest from the weight of it.
Homeschooling in the living room.
A friend shared a Facebook post from Gracefully Woven by Elizabeth Spenner. Imagine God is speaking these words to your heart.
"Your struggle with anxiety, with the enemy, is not for nothing, My daughter. It's been a long one, I know. I want you to know, never for once have I left you alone in this battle. Daily, I fight for you, My child. Every second. Every breath you take. Each of my children hold the same worth: priceless. I fight for each-and-every single one of them equally.
One of your greatest purposes is as one of My faithful messengers. I've directed you to share your heart with others, and this is one message you can't keep to yourself. So, my daughter, please remind My children:
They always have a choice.
They can run to my fears.
They can cling tightly to their anxieties.
Or, they can run to God.
Each and every time.
Remind them it won't be easy.
Because the enemy is the sneakiest coward.
He has more plots and tricks than all my children, numbered.
He does not care about you.
He ONLY cares about defeating Me.
So tell them.
Pray. Pray hard.
This is my greatest armor to give to you...
Run to Me, every single time, My daughter.
And tell others to do the same.
To seek me with the entirety of their hearts.
My word is your armor.
My name is your refuge.
My arms are your shield."
This mindset guided me when anxiety and depression began to form a dark cloud over my mind and heart. It reminded me to lean into God, His love, and His truth instead of fear and anxiety. It worked. It changed my perspective and focus. Being present in the current day, not anticipating Friday. Friday will be here soon enough. Plus, things went well in chemo #1, there is no reason to believe it won't go well with chemo #2. Thinking of negative "what if" scenarios is NEVER helpful.
So, today I will focus on the good and praise it (as my Mom used to tell my Dad). I will care for my body, heart, and mind. Choosing to focus on today and leaning into God's love instead of fear and anxiety. I will give myself grace when I see my humanity; weakness, impatience, or lack of motivation. It's a lot and I choose to be gentle with myself on the journey. At least that's the plan. I might even take a nap.
The Chirp from Natural Life