Yesterday I wanted to stay in bed, pull the covers over my head, and pretend this wasn’t real. No cancer, no chemo, no uncertainty or anxiety. I wanted to hide from all of it. Which I know is totally normal. Thankfully, I had an appointment and it enabled me to get out of bed. I’m thankful for that precious appointment. A few days after treatment I may be too nauseous and fatigued to get out of bed, so today is a gift. I showered, put on make-up, and got through the day. Today included tears, connection, laughter, worship, anxiety, tasks, fear of the unknown, feeling loved + cared for, feeling the prayers of many, and receiving words of encouragement + support.
A mixture of the hard & holy. In other words - LIFE.
With chemo beginning Friday I’ve been getting ready. I’m grateful for experts and fellow cancer patients who have helped me prepare. You know who you are - thank you!
I’m trying as many natural complements to chemo as possible. It is my way of co-creating my healing. It helps me feel like I’m doing something to help. Still an Enneagram 3.
Jose is a great partner. He is jumping in to help in every way. Giving me space to feel, process, and talk. Understanding that we will need different things as we walk this journey. The night the found out about cancer, I needed to be quiet and still. Jose needed to call his people and talk. Both responses were the right response - just different based on what we individually needed.
The last few months have changed the dynamic in our marriage for the better. I’m pretty self-sufficient. I don’t ask for help easily. Two massive surgeries left me unable to do things for myself. I had to rely on Jose (and the girls). I needed Jose, and it feels good to be needed. It was good for me to receive. Jose has a servant's heart so the dynamic was humbling + beautiful. One of the blessings of this season.
He can’t be with me during chemo due to the surge in Omicron. It will be ok. He can be with the girls to help them get through the day.
Thank you again for your prayers and words of encouragement. They strengthen me when I feel weak. I know many are praying when I’m too distracted or disconnected to pray myself. Thank you can’t adequately describe my gratitude.
One final thing I keep reminding myself. If you are worried about me, this will be good for you to hear too. I’m going to be OK. My prognosis is excellent. Stage 1 ovarian cancer is rarely found - I’m one of the lucky ones. I have the best doctor and the “gold standard of treatment” for my cancer. My cancer is the most common ovarian cancer so the experts know a lot about it. In 5ish months all of this cancer-free will be over and I will be cancer-free. Victory is visible from the starting line. That is a comfort.
My new shirt from @naturallife. I'm obsessed.